"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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