It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
