My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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