I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
