i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
