Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
