I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
