Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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