Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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