Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My penis needs a shock collar
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
