I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
