if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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