there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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