Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We are all done wearing pants today
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
