is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
tell me about the eggs
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
