I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
