i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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