Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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