Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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