you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
