Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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