Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
