'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
