My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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