WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
