mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
