Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
