Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
