dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have tasted many bathrooms
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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