Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
