I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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