i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
