i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
