can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
