i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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