here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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