all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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