We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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