I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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