Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
