I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
as a side note pls kill me
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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