Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
where are you?
Hypothermia
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize