What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
