I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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