I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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