you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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