I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
