Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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