why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
