I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
