i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
