remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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