fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he thought i was a dude.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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