before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize