If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
