your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
