New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
