So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
