so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
