i think my tv is drunk
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize