So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
