It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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