The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
