Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ugly people sure do ruin things
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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