I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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